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The Subtext of That Text

Yes. I sat at home on Sunday afternoon, alone, and in a hoodie. I ate burritos, with my hair piled up on my head and I watched Sex and The City: The Movie. Contentment doesn't even cover it.
I watched for 90 minutes of cliches and really dramatic break ups whilst secretly praying that work will one day relocate me to New York. What can I say? Writing this blog looking out over Central Park will top Croydon Tramlink any day of the week. (I'm joking flatmate...our home is lush!)
I forgot about the one scene in the film that rings truer with me than any of the rest of them (mainly because they all involve million dollar apartments & $400 shoes). Carrie and Louise from St Louis sit in a bar, Louise receives a 'booty text', Carrie goes into real detail about understanding the 'subtext of that text' and how apparently a man wanting to meet for drinks after 11pm, obviously means he actually wants to get his leg over, and not meet the girl in question for a quiet cocktail.
Well you know, she's a writer, so she knows this shiz. Ahem. 
Watching this scene from SATC made me chuckle. The amount of conversations I've had of late with girls at work where minutes and minutes (read hours and hours) can be spent talking about the possible meanings behind, what is probably, a half arsed one liner from guys they are dating. Women are over-thinkers to the very end and dissecting text messages is one of our biggest flaws.
I decided it was time to tackle this head on and stop us all from trying too hard to get to the bottom of what the 'subtext of that text' really is. To do this, I've chosen some prime 'bloke' texts and some classics from the last few months of chatting over the photocopier to use as an example. I hope this comes in useful and helps you to chill the hell out.
What he text: 'Let me know when you get home x' (after a date)
What a girl reads it as: He really cares about my safety and obviously had such a good time that he couldn't wait until tomorrow to text me. Maybe we'll get married. Although, hang on. There's no question mark. Does that mean I have to reply? Will I hear from him again? AH MY HEAD HAS EXPLODED.

What he meant: Get home safe, I was brought up well so have manners enough to check. 
What he text: 'It would be good to catch up'
What a girl reads it as: AAAAAAAH he's asking me out on a date. What am I going to wear? Oh I wonder where we'll go. 
What he meant: I might give you a ring over the weekend.
What he text: 'how's it all going?' - after several months of no communication.
What a girl reads it as: Oh wow, he's still thinking about me. Bet he's regretting never calling me now.
What he meant: You just changed your profile picture on Facebook, you're looking pretty fit so I thought I'd chance my luck with this non commital attempt at getting in touch. 
What he text: 'what are you up to this weekend?x'
What a girl reads: AAAAAAAH he's asking me out on a date. What am I going to wear? Oh I wonder where we'll go. (you'll notice this pattern)
What he meant: I'm making polite midweek conversation. It's Tuesday. I literally have no idea what the weekend holds and refuse to make plans until I've spoken to the boys.
What he text: 'Was really good to see you'
What a girl reads: Well, are you going to see me again, are we doing this another time? AAAH
What he meant: It was genuinely good to see you but now I'm going to sleep/play xbox/ the gym/ can't be handling any more conversation for this evening. 
What he text: 'What do you fancy doing this evening?'
What a girl reads: Must instantly google Time Out's top ten places to eat in the capital and pre book a table at a good bar so he thinks I'm edgy and cool .
What he meant: Please offer up a pizza and DVD night. I went out on the lash yesterday and attempting to plan more than my journey home is painful. 
What he text: ' ;)' normally following a near the mark comment about your underwear

What a girl reads: Oh he is a cheeky chappy, but I'll give him a slap if he goes that far again. 

What he meant: No but seriously, what underwear do you have on?
What he text: 'Fancy a quick drink after work?'

What a girl reads: AAAAAAAH he's asking me out on a date. What am I going to wear? Oh I wonder where we'll go. (see where we are going with this)
What he meant: I'm on a stag do this weekend, but don't want you to go all GirlNuts on me so a cheeky mid week drink will keep things sweet.
What he text: 'Looking forward to it x'
What a girl reads: He's the one.There's a kiss. He's the one.

What he meant: Friday night will be a laugh, quite looking forward to another evening in your company, the kiss is clear progress from my side. However, we don't really need to text again before then.
What he text:  'I'll let you know when I'm about' 
What a girl reads: I must stare at my phone for the next fortnight and not make many plans in case of one of those impromptu mid week date offers!
What he meant: It's unlikely you'll hear from me again. 
What he text : 'You about?' Sent Friday 23.06. Typically from a flakey bloke.
What a girl reads: Should I stop everything I'm doing and get on the tube to wherever he is? It's 11pm. It's Friday. We could still have a nice evening together.
What he meant: I'm pissed and have needs. Get me.

What he text: 'Ha.' Followed on from some mediocre banter on your part.
What a girl reads: I mean, this is the seventh time I've text him in a fortnight, responses have been thin on the ground but I've obviously hit the nail on the head with that last bit of banter. Winner. Still hope yet.

What he meant: Stop texting me. Now.


Things I'll Never Understand