It's been a ridiculous four weeks. Early mornings at work, late finishes and later nights out. Bad sleeping patterns, even worse eating habits and an overwhelming sense of wanting to break down in tears because I'm so bloody tired. It's my own fault. I've had the chance to stay in a recoup from the most stressful period at work, spend time on my own with some scented candles and a good book. Low and behold I scoff at that, believe I'm superwoman and opt for the pub.
Friday night hit me like a ten tonne of bricks. Homeward bound on a packed Victoria Line train and for the first time in a long time, I nodded off on public transport. That's when I realised how absolutely buggered I really was. And it hit me how many typically 'tired person' things I've been doing for the last month.
There are things in life that only tired people do. Not slightly under-slept people. I'm talking the exhausted among us. And here's some of them.
- You spend at least 75% of your day just staring. Staring into space. Staring at your laptop. Staring at strangers. Shifting your gaze takes more brain power than you can possibly spare.
- You eat more bread than the average family get through in a week. Mainly because it requires no cooking. Secondly because it's always there. Thirdly because you can dip it into anything remotely less dense in the fridge and kid yourself you are having a 'meal'.
- You rarely eat lunch, meaning when you sit opposite someone on the way home eating fast food, you devise vicious ways to either mug or murder them. For no other reason than to lay claim on their chicken nuggets. Mmmm nuggets.
- You have internal debates about how much you actually need to shower. You know you'll feel a million times better if you do, but at the same time the walk to the bathroom, undressing and getting into the shower feels like some version of Tough Mudder in your head and you just can't face it.
- You get hammered after two glasses of wine. Like, out of the game.
- You grunt at almost everything.
- You well up at everything else.
- You get 'dry eye'. You know when your eyes feel like the bottom of your flip flop? Yeah that's the one.
- By Thursday, you resort to setting 15 alarms. You know as well as the next man that you are snoozing at least 12 of them bad boys.
- You'd never admit to it, but you have been known to just shut your eyes for a minute when you're on the loo.
- You become so absent minded that you run the risk of near fatal accidents at least twice an hour. No kettle or bread knife is safe in your presence. You all remember the time when you nearly gave yourself third degree burns when making a cuppa because, funnily enough, you were staring into space?!
- You ache in places you didn't even know could ache. Like the bit right under your bum. What the fuck is that all about?
- Despite your near death exhaustion you still insist on watching 3 episodes of Family Guy before you got to sleep. Even though it's 11pm. Even though you have to be up in 6 hours. Even though you have definitely seen them all before.
- You give up all hope of seeming attractive. You have greasy hair and spotty skin and eyes that look like Pete Doherty's on a comedown. You are Tired Girl, and you want nobody to look at you.
- Yawning is so enjoyable. It becomes like a little hourly treat.
- Strangers on public transport become strangely cuddly looking. Except if they are eating McDonalds of course.
- You bump into everything. All of the time.
- You have no ability to retain any useful information. Sometimes, even the order of the alphabet doesn't come naturally.
- You become besties with the woman in Pret. She just hands you a dirty cheese croissant and a coffee when you walk in to save you having to actually say words.
- You don't walk. You shuffle. A bit like your Great Aunt. You know the one with the frame?
- You devise amazing ways to conserve energy. Like changing the channel on the remote with your toes to save you bending over. You do it and then you feel like a champion. But you can't celebrate for too long. Because your wrecked.
- You struggle to form sentences and revert to pointing at everything. If people don't understand what you mean, you start to really hate them.
-Even your glasses don't stop the fuzzy vision.
- Finding your oyster card or keys makes you feel like you've been chucked in the deep end of The Crystal Maze. It's really bloody stressful.
- Oh and despite all of this, come Saturday morning when the lie you've been looking forward to since Monday comes knocking, you still wake up at work time. Because you were so bloody tired you forgot to turn off your fecking alarm!